


Breathe me

by orphan_account



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Drug Abuse, Erik Has Feelings, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poor Charles, Rating May Change, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-06-10 13:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6957892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was no barrier in the world that could protect him from himself.<br/>Charles lived in between feeling too much or nothing at all.<br/>It wasn't alright. But it was all he got.</p><p>Charles is struggling with his life after he lost everything. Erik is the one, who has to help him get better. But isn't Charles just a little bit too broken to be fixed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In this "universe" Erik wasn't captured by the government after JFK assassination and didn't end up in pentagon.  
> Also the story is happening a few years before x-men: dofp, but the idea originated from there.
> 
> Tytle is inspired by the song "Breathe me" by Sia. I stongly recomment listening to it, the fic'll relate to it at many points in the future (past, haha, sorry bye ;).

It wasn't meant to happen.

He _wasn't meant to_ loose everything.

As he was lying on the back, he let the air escape his lungs. Ticking of the clock reminded Charles of how many hours he struggled with falling asleep. Or maybe he didn't want to in the first place. Staying awake was his only way to keep the last bit of control over his life, so why would he give up on it? His life and powers versus the worst fears…

On the other hand, it may have been his only option. Get lost in the pain, the greatest suffering. All alone. Nobody else deserved this kind of punishment. It was Charles, who disappointed all of his friends after all.

Shuttering his eyes was easy. Behind them he saw the darkness, which would swallow him. Finally his last breath would be taken away. But however long Charles decided to cut away from the world, he kept breathing, feeling, suffering. There was no barrier in the world that could protect him from himself.

Charles lived in between feeling too much or nothing at all.

It wasn't alright. But it was all he got.

He wouldn't decide which was better. Feeling all the pain in the world with his own burning hatred towards himself on top was life destroying. Of course his own feelings were many things, not only anger. Sadness, shame, depression, guilt and overwhelming fear. It was all in his head together with other people's problems.

Charles always thought being telepathic was something fantastic, a gift, but it quickly became a curse. He started to hate it, just because he couldn't bear the responsibility his power came with. Xavier didn't have the strength, which was required to possess such mutation. Mentally – he was broken. Unfixable.

But feeling nothing at all? The ability to care was something that made Charles himself. He took care of people, helped them, taught them, tried to make them happy. He didn't get much of caring family when he was just a boy, so his whole life he tried to make everybody else less alone than his childhood was.

And he was wondering sometimes… He thought he had people, friends. But they were all gone. Hank stayed with him out of pity but he would run off sooner of later. That was a matter of time before Charles will end up alone again. All by himself around the voices, this never ending noise in his head.

It just never stopped.

He screamed.

  


  


_2 years later_

  


Hank was sitting by himself in front the window. The view from Xavier's residence was always breathtaking, especially from the highest floor. Admiring it was one of the few things, which calmed down the scientist.

But there was no time to be calm that day.

He was getting more and more concerned about his friend's state. Charles wasn't walking out of his room, he stopped talking to anyone, started taking much higher dose of the drug Hank made him than he should, drinking alcohol, sleeping through all day or not sleeping for couple of days straight (what would result in panic and anxiety attacks even stronger than the ones Charles had on the regular basis).

The point was, Charles was not okay.

Hank cheated himself into believing Charles will get better in time, given a proper treatment. But he couldn't live this lie any more, as it could cause some serious damages. He couldn't risk Charles doing something to himself. Watching as the man slowly became more and more desperate made Hank think.

That evening he dialled Raven's number on the phone. Last time he tired to do it, he stopped himself halfway through. Now it was only Charles, who mattered.

“Raven, I need your help.”

 

  


“Are you sure? He is the reason Charles got those issues in the first place.”

“If someone can help Charles, that's him.”

“But… They hate each other.”

“Trust me. They don't. Erik is exactly what Charles needs right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is a short prologue. The next chapter will be about introducing Erik to the whole situation.  
> It's going to be pretty angsty. Fun fact: I wanted to write another fluffy one-shot, buuut there was this idea I had about a year ago and I needed to change my plans.  
> Tell me what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter I wrote yesterday at night (2-4 AM to be exact) and I put lots of angst here; there are mentions of suicide attempt, so do not read if that triggers you. I'm such a sucker for making the characters suffer but they'll be happier sometime, I promise!

Erik wasn't too sure about the whole idea to begin with. He wasn't proud of himself for leaving Charles on the beach all those years ago. Xavier was dear to his heart, even though they disagreed on many matters, mainly mutant centric. That's why they separated. But they shouldn't have done that, not the way it happened and Erik couldn't help but feel a little guilty.

When Mystique reached out to him, Erik thought about ignoring her request. Partially because he sincerely doubt that Charles would like to see him, now or in a million years. But also because the shame he carried on, locked deep in his shady consciousness, kept reminding him of everything he's done to Charles. Hurting him once more wasn't something Erik wanted to do. Maybe the best option was to run, exactly like he did after Cuba, run from Charles and the feeling of attachment, responsibility and utter disappointment in himself, because he found one person, who was unconditionally kind to him and wanted to become his friend and Erik ruined it. He destroyed his first and probably the only proper friendship.

He told himself it had to be done. Mutants needed someone like Magneto, not another pacifist. Someone, who would fight for their rights and win. That's exactly what he wanted to do after Cuba.

The events didn't turn out the way he desired, which wasn't very surprising, although Erik still felt sorrow for all of his deceased fellow mutants. But Charles was alive and struggled with his problems, issues probably partially caused by Erik and that's why he needed to listen to Raven and help his old friend.

He thought it would be nice to have another debate with Charles, another chess game, another look in those bright blue eyes. Maybe he was hoping for more than he could ever get. Charles most likely hated him and Erik couldn't blame him for that.

But it was worth a try.

He closed his eyes and thought about the sensation of having Charles inside his head again. How it revealed his every thought, memory, secret to somebody else. With Emma it was different. Erik could built walls to keep her away most of the time. But being near Charles always made Erik feel this warm touch in the back of his head. Yet it wasn't intrusive and Xavier surely wouldn't go too far, Erik was sure of that.

Even then, he still didn't figure it out. How being in Charles's presence made him calmer than ever. He thought he would never have to think about it again. But now he needed to help Xavier as the man helped him before, even if Charles himself didn't want him to do so.

 

 

Arriving to the Xavier estate was quite shocking for Erik. The last time he's been there, it may have been empty but it was certainly well cared for. Later he heard (as in found out on purpose because he could never let himself lose track of Charles completely) the estate became a school for gifted youngsters, which meant mutants of course.

Now it looked like it was abandoned at some point. The sign was broken, laying on the ground. The main gate closed on thick, metal chain. As he peered further, it didn't look better neither. Maybe Raven lied to him, manipulated him into going to the mansion… She knew he wouldn't refuse to help Charles. Nobody except her knew about that weakness.

Although he had a bad feeling about this, he needed to check if there was anybody inside. He promised Raven and owed that to Charles.

Metal chain wasn't such a challenge as it was to knock on the door. Standing before them, Erik thought about going through them for the fist time. All he wanted to think about then was Shaw, vengeance. He still wanted the justice for mutants. He didn't really change, did he?

Before he even raised his hand, the door opened. Behind them stood Hank, eyeing him up and down with a wary look.

“I counted on a 'welcome back' sign and balloons,” Erik snorted.

Hank's expression stayed still and emotionless.

“I didn't want you to come back. Raven insisted.”

Erik wanted to push the door in order to enter the residence but Hank was strong, as he was indeed the Beast; even though he apparently hid his mutation behind some chemicals.

“So?”

For a moment Hank clearly hesitated. It looked like he wanted to close the door in Erik's face. Lehnsherr did prepare for this possibility. There was a lot of metal objects near. If Hank was inside, so was Charles, and Erik wouldn't leave without seeing his old friend. The lock was metal itself, breaking through the door would be the easiest task. Getting through Hank would take some time though.

“Welcome back, then,” Hank muttered finally and backed away.

Inside the building, rooms were quite dark. The dust covered some of the furnitures, logically the ones, which were less used. But it appeared to be a majority of them. Everything was less alive than he remembered. As if it was asleep, hibernating, waiting to be awoken.

“I prepared you a spare bedroom,” informed Hank.

“I imagine you have lots of those nowadays.”

“Wonder whose fault is that,” stated McCoy. He stared at Erik. “I can show you the way now. You're not supposed to leave the room before the evening. Then Raven will get here and explain to you everything.”

Erik laughed bitterly.

“I don't need your permission to leave the room.”

Hank sighed heavily.

“Okay, let me rephrase it…” He moved closer to Erik, with expression almost angry all of the sudden. “You don't go anywhere near Charles before you'll talk to Raven.”

“How do you imagine me helping him if I can't…”

“Approach him and I'll kill you.”

Then Erik decided not to push the matter. Not that he was afraid of Hank, of course not. But the man was extremely serious in Charles's case, which made Erik a little worried for his current state. Lehnsherr wasn't anything near patient, but he could wait until the evening.

The room he got was painfully similar to the one he slept in all those years ago.

 

 

Every minute was passing painfully slowly for Erik. He tortured himself with old memories and at the same time tried to stay focused on the present day and the purpose of his arrival. He unpacked, took a shower, did many more or less irrelevant activities, which would help him forget why he was actually there.

Part of him wanted to prepare more, in case Hank and Raven were going to try to kill him or capture him. There was no sign of Charles. Erik was basically forced to stay in the room he was given. Everything could happen.

But then Lehnsherr thought of Charles and the fact he wouldn't want for Erik to make a mess again, attack his friends, hurt someone. That made him stop.

It was 9 PM and Erik was dying to gain some new information about whatever was happening there. He saw a car from his window and hurried to the door, hoping he will finally see Raven, who'd reveal at least some of the truth.

Maybe he was expecting it to be Charles for a moment, but then he remembered to stay focused and not to get his once hidden emotions in the way.

As he was walking down the stairs, Hank already stood by the door. He greeted Raven with a hug and a smile. Something Erik never got, at least not after his mother died. He doubt that even Charles would be kind enough to give him that. Erik ruined that already. But he wasn't envious, he didn't even really want this kind of intimacy in the first place. It was just the atmosphere of Xavier's house, which made him sentimental, he guessed. Or maybe it was already Charles, messing with his head? But then again, Erik was sure Charles would never do that.

“Mystique,” Erik said, making his way down the stairs to join them.

“You arrived,” she smiled at him slowly and unsteadily. Trusting him wasn't the easiest thing for people nor mutants. But Raven knew him and what he was and wasn't capable of. She shouldn't be afraid. It brought Erik once again to wonder how bad the situation with Charles was. “I'm glad.”

“You're the only one.”

“Excuse Hank. He's just worried.”

“Sure. I get it,” Erik nodded.

“Do you?” Hank growled. Then he coughed quietly and look at Raven again. “I'll go, take another dose of the serum. You can sit in the dining room and talk.”

The girl put her hand on his shoulder and smiled understandingly.

“That will do. Go on and rest.”

 

 

“What actually happened to Charles?”

There. Erik asked the question, which has been bothering him for this whole time. It couldn't be that bad, Charles was still here, apparently no medical help was needed. Erik arrived to the mansion to help but there wasn't much he could actually do in case of social interactions and making people better, especially not when he was lost and didn't know, what was going on.

“That's a long story.”

“I have time.”

“First of, tell me, do you actually want to help Charles? No matter what happened?”

“Would I be here if I didn't want to?” Erik raised his eyebrows.

“Answer the question.”

There was five or so seconds of silence and then Erik spoke once again:

“Yes. No matter what happened. I want to help him.”

Raven smiled.

“Thank you, Erik. Here's what happened…”

 

 

Raven spoke as if she wasn't affected by the events, even though she so obviously was but Erik understood her need not to show any weaknesses, which wouldn't be necessary to be seen. She talked with this flat tone but the words were emotional on the inside and Erik felt it, felt the pain in every sentence.

She said Charles felt as if he lost everything. Raven and Erik left him – they did, unfortunately, and nothing would change that. He couldn't walk any more. Afterwards, his students and teachers from the school were taken away for war. Never came back. Some kidnapped for the government projects, others killed on the battlefield. Not that it mattered. They would all be dead by now anyway.

Only Charles and Hank were left.

It was okay for a while, but they were mostly pretending not to suffer, wearing such façades, which would let them live a normal life. McCoy tried to act as if everything was alright even now but not Charles. Something happened to Charles.

He started to have troubles with his mutation 3 years ago.

Exactly when Charles's depression and anxiety started to grow. He began having terrible headaches all of the time. Hearing voices, far too loud. There was too much of them at once, he told Hank. They were screaming, begging for mercy and Charles couldn't bear to be locked in this cage of never ending noise.

He stopped going outside, locked himself in the mansion in hope he could hide from the world. But his mutation was far too powerful to stop, when Charles wanted it to. He still heard things, began to hate himself and started to blame himself for everything that made his life terrible. He felt alone. Rarely talked even to Hank, which happened only while Charles was intoxicated. But then again, Xavier those days was more often drunk than not.

That was when his suicide attempt happened.

Blood was everywhere, when Hank found him, laying in a cold bathtub. Ambulance fortunately came just on time to save his life. Not that Charles thanked anybody for that. He seemed genuinely disappointed. Tired. So exhausted.

After that Hank decided to create the serum. Finish it, make it usable. He was working on something like that for a while and was near completing the achievement. When it was finally ready, it was meant to fix Charles's legs. It did well, Charles had his legs back, but at the same time he lost his mutation.

Hank thought it was for the better. The headaches would stop, Charles would be less miserable. It may helped a little but his depression only grew bigger and heavier in the silence. He continued drinking, mixing it with the serum, which he took far too much of. He had panic attacks and feared to step outside of the mansion. He talked even less than before.

Two years have passed like that.

Then, one day, Charles almost overdosed. One time he took too much of the serum, claiming he heard the voices once again. His legs hurt almost as much as his head and he just had to take another dose, even if he knew it was bad for him. But this time he swore he didn't want to do anything to himself. It just happened, because he was slowly loosing the ability to function properly and he was _so_ _scared_.

Thus Hank thought he had to do something before Charles will do something stupid again. He told the whole story to Raven, who passed it on to Erik.

Lehnsherr on the other hand was just devastated.

 

 

“So it's this idiot's fault! Hank made him the serum, which almost got him killed,” he shouted angrily. Everything in him buzzed with rage. Erik was ready to stand up there and then just to go beat the shit out of Hank for hurting Charles.

Raven gave him a serious look.

“He was only trying to help,” she said patiently. “When you… We left him.”

“We didn't do it for nothing…”

“Yes, we did, Erik!” It was her turn to cry out the words. Her eyes begin to water. “We left him for empty plans and we broke his heart, broke _him_ and we need to fix him again. All of this… All of the things I told you about were well hidden. From us. Because we betrayed him! And I know you care about him too! That's why you need to help.”

Lehnsherr looked at the floor silently.

He wasn't sure if there was a proper thing to say in this situation. He blamed himself for all of the pain Charles was going through. Of course he did. It was Erik, who destroyed him that day in Cuba. Raven only said it out loud.

“Do you think we will be able to do that? Help him?” He whispered.

“I don't know,” Raven responded weakly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, tell me what you think, the feedback is really keeping me going.  
> Next chapter will be from Charles's point of view. Also, the boys will finally see each other.


	3. Chapter 3

Charles was laying on his back with his eyes wide open. Closing them still made him anxious, even though he didn't sleep in more than thirty hours at best. But he was already used to staying awake until he passed out from exhaustion or drinking whatever was strong enough to make it simpler. Sometimes he took some drugs to harden the effect.

But something couldn't let him rest this time. His curtains were shut. At this point he didn't really know, what time of the day it was, not that it mattered. Time was only a concept, which humanity used to make an illusion of order people would like to achieve. Charles didn't mind the idea but wasn't going to relay on it any longer. He didn't even move from his bed for hours.

To be fair, that wasn't the only activity he neglected. He didn't have any idea, when was the last time he ate. But that was why Hank stayed with him all this time, to make sure he wouldn't starve himself or overdose again. Charles was sickeningly thin, his skin almost as white as a sheet, obviously he didn't have any contact with sunlight other than looking at it from behind the window, if he left his bedroom to bring himself some more alcohol.

Actually it was odd Hank didn't contact with him for such a long time. He checked on Charles from time to time, if the man didn't leave his bedroom, probably out of pure fear for his health. But there was nobody except Xavier in the room for so long. Maybe Hank finally came to senses and left the mansion. Who would have blamed him? Wonder why he put up with Charles and all of his problems for that long.

Out of simple curiosity Charles decided to leave the room. He sat up with a heavy sight, being a little dizzy. Then he began wondering, if he remembered to take the serum recently. His head didn't seem to hurt so much. But his legs were a little shaky. With all honesty, he couldn't care less if it was out of the amount of vodka he already consumed, taking some more of the drug appeared as the safer option and Charles wasn't going to _let them scream again_.

Making the injection was simple. He felt the warm substance making it's way through his veins. It was a rather pleasant feeling, so he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Like every time, he opened the door to his bedroom carefully. He treated this process as if he feared some monster was waiting for him on the other side. Because in a certain way it was, but Charles didn't like to think about. Outside of his room, even in the mansion, which belonged to him, he felt rather insecure. Anxiousness made him more aggressive and frustrated, so he tried to stay silent, although Hank obviously knew it was caused by the need of panic deep inside his brain.

But Hank was gone anyway, wasn't he? Nobody cared for him now.

The kitchen was much farer from his bedroom than Charles would like and technically, the man could change it in a blink of an eye. But he was used to the room he was given as a child. It made him both sentimental and even more sad, looking at the lovely set of happy looking photos on the wall. But what was Charles, if not extremely masochistic?

When he was young, he was allowed to wander around everywhere except his mother's, stepfather's and stepbrother's rooms. In theory, he could do everything except being anywhere near his so called family but Kurt made sure Charles was forced to bear much more responsibilities than a little child should.

The bright side of living in a place this big was an opportunity to hide basically anywhere, so he could avoid being beaten up by Kurt or Cain. Later it would continue with Raven, they'd hide in some secret room on a floor far above the ground or even better, somewhere in the underground tunnels, which served a purpose of Xavier's basement or a place to keep overpriced, vintage wine.

Fortunately neither Kurt nor Cain would ever hurt Raven physically, which Charles was grateful for. But all those things belonged strictly to the past. Now his stepfather and stepbrother were just a memory, same as his mother. He wondered if Raven would be next to change into some hazy memory of the past.

Heading towards the kitchen in silence made Charles realize it was an evening, clearly a really warm one. He was mainly looking down at the tasteful but colourful carpet pattern picket by his father many years ago. Charles wasn't really interested in anything beyond. For all he cared, the mansion could be burned down at this very moment. At least he could go down with it, leave just like everything he ever loved.

The closer he was to the kitchen, the more he felt this this burning feeling in his stomach. No matter how hard he tried to cut it off, he could sense the presence of someone, who wasn't suppose to be there. Even though his telepathy didn't work and Charles was making sure of it on the regular basis, there were these habits he couldn't quite get rid of. More like an instinct of a mind reader, something so deeply buried in his subconsciousness as a mutant that he wouldn't even try to turn off, because he knew that would be a tremendous fail.

Charles didn't like this feeling. He wanted to run away instantly but his cold anger filled him with determination. After a couple of seconds he heard voices. None of them belonged to Hank. But Charles would recognize them anywhere in the world.

He stopped. Listening was the only thing he was able to do at the moment.

“When will we see him?”

“Do you honestly think it would be good for him to see us now?”

“That's why we're here, Raven, you made me come here for a reason.”

“But he's not ready yet, especially to see both of us at once. Maybe Hank could mention something to him…”

“As if he didn't fuck everything up already.”

“For the last time, it's not his fault!”

Charles couldn’t see anything behind the wooden door of the dining room. He took a small, shaky breath. Was it real? Erik and Raven being in the mansion, arguing like they used to. Charles tried to imagine for a second that he was still in the past, just a couple of years ago, and he could walk in with a soft smile and make himself a cup of tea. Then he would probably sit and listen to the conversation for a while before choosing the side of argument and forming some proper statements but at the end of listing them Raven would get bored and it'd be only him and Erik left to the discussion, although Charles didn't ever mind that change.

But it couldn’t be true. He was in the presence, his painful reality, and he needed to take care of the situation.

“Whatever,” mumbled Erik probably more to himself than to anybody else. “You know what's best for Charles.”

So was it the reason of their presence? Taking care of him after all they've done? Charles thought for a moment they were here to apologise. Or maybe something happened outside, which required Charles's help. He wouldn't be able to provide such support anyway, since his powers were currently shut off, but he would understand the rational motive behind their little trip.

There was no explanation for them to think that Charles somehow needed _their_ help. Of all the people in the world. Charles didn't consider himself worth saving after all, so he wouldn't ask for anyone's help. But then they appeared out of the blue, thinking they were somewhat better? Superior to him, just because he didn't want to participate in a violent act of war against the whole humanity?

That made him angry.

Nobody would control his life ever again. Especially not the people, who left him on the beach, weak and paralysed, relying on the mercy of others.

He opened the door widely with a fast motion and burst inside.

“Care to explain to me, what the fuck are you doing here?!” He yelled at them, making sure to keep a safe distance between himself and them. The conversation was completely silenced, both of the guests staring at him with shock. Charles took this opportunity to just look at them.

Raven didn't age a day. It wasn't surprising as her mutation allowed her to stay young for many years. But Erik didn't look that much different either. His face seemed somehow rougher. Both of them would easily pass as the ghosts of the past.

Charles clenched his fists. They were here, real, wanting something from him. Erik was the one to raise first from his seat. He seemed genuinely worried, his posture bent a little in Charles's direction.

“We're here to help you, Charles.”

 _Here it was_. To help. Charles could show them, what they could do with their damned help. He was perfectly fine without it and he preferred to die before asking somebody like Lehnsherr for it…

“I don't need your help,” he hissed.

Then it was Raven's turn to stand up. She tried to walk closer to Charles with far more concerned look than the one Erik was showing. But Charles knew both of them were used to hiding their true emotions, so it was rather strange they chose to show so much of them on this occasion. They probably already knew that Charles lost his mutation, so there was no reason for them not to hide their feelings or pretend… But maybe that was the case. Maybe they just pretended.

Raven reached out to him.

“Charles…”

“Get away from me!” He screamed, backing away, when she came close to touching his arm. But right before the door stood Erik and blocked one of his escape paths. The only remaining way was to go around them and run towards the kitchen.

The most painful thing was knowing they could actually stop him with their mutations or simply using their strength, attack him or even kill him… Well, Charles wouldn't think they could do something like that but maybe. He wasn't familiar with them any more. Taking anything for granted would be a perfect example of stupidity.

He felt so small in comparison to the people, who took everything from him, who saw themselves as way better than him and probably wanted to turn him into another one of those bloody activists, whose only reason to live was to hate others in order to achieve some false protection of his own kind.

It was too much for him. He couldn't stand them watching him, tricking themselves into thinking they could change him. Was Hank with them too? Maybe even from the beginning. He could be left behind to watch over Charles. That would explain, why he didn't left him for so long. It was all part of Magneto's secret plan, wasn't it?

“We need to talk,” said Raven fiercely and it was her last try to convince Charles to calm down, before the man moved from the place he was standing and went straight to the kitchen with a rude “leave me alone”.

He almost tripped on his way, but fortunately he was already out of the sight of his guests. However not for long, because he clearly heard their footsteps behind the doors he previously closed. Raven tried to talk him to his senses, but it only made him grab the nearest bottle of whiskey and take a sip of it. Then another one, maybe two. He didn't count.

The lock in the kitchen door broke with Erik coming inside.

Charles lost it. The bottle fell down and broke into hundreds of pieces. He grabbed the nearest knife and put in their direction. He knew how ridiculous it was, holding a huge metal knife before the metal bender. However the last thing he was able to do at this very moment was thinking rationally.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Erik growled at him.

Lehnsherr seemed to stand closer to him than his sister out of the obvious reasons. Raven looked at Charles and shook her head. “We're not going to hurt you,” she was saying over and over again, quietly this time, although Charles could hear every word without any problem.

He took the knife closer to himself. On his hands there were scars, still very much visible. White marks were once covered in deep red liquid spreading all over his pale skin. The more Charles watched it, the weaker he felt. He remembered hearing Hank through the door, yelling. Charles wanted to say that he was sorry but he wasn't strong enough and it felt so good.

When he was standing in this kitchen with Erik and Raven in front of him, he felt just as weak as he was then. He could give up the knife, let them do whatever they wanted and loose every bit of control he had over his own life. Looking at his bare wrist was almost pleasant. Or maybe not the wrist. Maybe he could just stab himself and it would be over, over, _over_ , it sounded too good to be true.

He put the knife in the opposite direction it headed before and was about to push it but the object flew away from his hand. Damned Erik was holding it strongly with his knuckles white and his facial expression furious.

Obviously, the kitchen was filled with many metal objects, but Charles didn't expect them to start shaking the whole room. Erik took a couple of steps in his direction. Charles was at the edge of another panic attack. Raven shouted at Erik but the metal didn't calm, it only started bumping into other things, the knife Lehnsherr held a second before was floating right under Charles's throat.

“I understand you wanted to hurt me,” Erik said angrily. With one hand he grabbed Charles strongly, making any way of escape impossible to access. “But you wanted to hurt _yourself_. How could you be that stupid, Charles?!”

“Erik, let him go!” Raven yelled over his shoulder, ready to step in. Erik took care of it instantly, chaining her to the opposite wall with a metal pipe, so she wouldn't take an attempt in stopping him.

Charles felt his cheeks were wet and his vision became blurry, but he was struggling with breathing, so he didn't mind loosing a bit of his non existing pride. Feeling of the cold blade touching his neck made his pulse rise.

“Stop, Erik,” he begged.

“I heard you didn't want to live, Charles. Maybe you need a little help with that. You see, I _am_ the monster. I don't hesitate. I _kill_ people. I was the one, who destroyed you, and I foolishly thought I could be able to make it better after all those years, but maybe you need this instead.”

Blood appeared on the edge of the knife.

“Please,” whispered Charles.

“Erik, for fuck's sake, if you'll do something to him,” growled Raven.

Lehnsherr caught Charles's wrist violently.

“Don't you see he's doing it to himself already!” He screamed.

“You were meant to help him!”

“I made him this way!”

There was a moment, when Erik was shouting more at himself than at anybody else. Raven was screaming at him too, Charles whispered under his breath quiet pleads, only when he could calm himself down enough to actually make any sound. The metal objects were thrown against each other and basically anything on their way.

That was exactly when Hank stormed inside and yelled:

“What the hell is happening here?!”

Erik wasn't paying attention to the man, because he was screaming yet another thing to Charles, whose body was shaking against Lehnsherr with pure fear. McCoy made it quick. He pushed himself against Erik to throw him down on the floor. It worked, because of Hank's strength, but Erik was still fighting against him for a couple of seconds until he calmed a little and moved away from Hank.

The metal fell on the ground as well. Raven was free. Charles was still pressed against the wall, so he just went down slowly, still shaking. He grabbed a small wound on his neck and hide his face behind his knees as if he would like to disappear.

Raven's first instinct was to help Charles, but Hank stopped her and gave her a look. She backed away but only because she knew Hank would take care of Charles better than she would. So she watched with a broken heart as Hank got closer to Charles and grabbed his hands in order to stop Charles from defending himself.

“Easy, Charles, it's all right. Calm down. You need to show me your injuries,” he told the other man softly. “Charles, talk to me. Can you do that for me?”

Charles at first tried to get away from Hank as well but then he accept the man's help as if he realised it was somebody he could trust. McCoy basically took Charles in his arms, so the man would stop shaking. At the same time it gave him a perfect opportunity to check his wound. It wasn't anything serious. Erik clearly didn't attack Charles to actually hurt him.

But it wasn't the time to think about Erik's motives, although that was the moment, when Lehnsherr decided to speak again, this time to Raven.

“You let him touch Charles like that after…”

“After you almost killed him?” Hank interrupted.

“Let's get out of here,” said Raven towards Erik. “You have some explaining to do.”

Charles moved a little in Hank's arms and muttered something, which nobody understood.

“What was it, Charles?” McCoy asked.

“I never wanted to hate you, Erik,” Charles whispered. He sit up slowly with his eyes red from tears and his face even more pale than before. “You _were_ my friend.”

Lehnsherr looked at him sadly.

“I'm sorry, Charles,” he admitted just before he left the kitchen and Raven followed him quickly.

  


  


Hank made Charles go to the medical room, where he fumigated the man's wound and put a band-aid on it. Then he was only making sure Charles felt good enough to be left alone again, because that was clearly, what he wanted. But nevertheless, after such a trauma, his instability could very much increase, which would be dangerous and could cause some serious damages on Charles's health.

So he asked Charles how he felt, but he didn't expect anything beyond “fine”. It was always “fine” or “all right” with Charles, who said it with a shaky voice. Or his rough voice, just after drinking one too many.

That's why Hank needed to keep asking.

“When was the last time you slept?”

Xavier avoided the eye contact.

“Don't know.”

“Well, you need to sleep now. I'll give you some pills. The ones, which won't cause any negative effects with the amount alcohol you drank.”

“Whatever.” Charles shrugged.

It wasn't difficult to find the right pills. Hank took two of them, because it would be dangerous to give Charles the whole pack of them in case he had trouble with sleeping later. But then Charles could always wake him up and ask about more. Of course Charles never did it this way. He drank.

He didn't need water to swallow the pills but Hank gave him a bottle anyway, because he claimed it would be healthier this way. The fact that Charles was slowly killing himself from inside with alcohol and drugs didn't matter but he needed to take pills with water to stay healthy. It seemed funny.

Charles took a couple of sips and put the bottle on the table. He couldn't look Hank in the eyes. For the past twenty minutes he tried to calm himself down but the bitter feelings were filling him up and it was difficult not to cry every time he blinked. He felt his throat became dry again and his eyes wet. It all made sense now. Hank wasn't surprised Raven and Erik were in the mansion but not because Hank was a part of Erik's conspiracy.

He invited them, because he was worried about Charles.

And it only made everything worse. Raven with her presence brought so many memories and Erik… _Oh, Erik_. He made Charles remember all of those feelings he tried to banish from his mind. But it was so hard all of the sudden and part of Charles wanted to never see Erik again, after everything Erik's done to him again. But the other part, it understood Erik somehow, and it was tearing Charles apart, because he wanted to be in control over his life, but thinking Erik had the right to do all of those things was making him crazy.

“What is it, Charles? What's wrong?” Hank asked, when he noticed the visual change in the man's facial expression.

There was a second of silence, when Charles debated whether to answer the question or not. But hell, what did he have to loose anyway?

“I didn't want them to see me like this,” he whispered, when one of his tears fell on his dirty cardigan with a weight of a million unwanted feelings and unsaid words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erik, you piece of trash, what have you done (aka I wanted to make some dramatic action between the boys during their reunion, but they won't always fight, I promise!)  
> Btw, sorry for not uploading for so long, I had my finals but now I'm free :)


	4. Chapter 4

Erik stormed out of the kitchen and basically ran through every other room until he got out of the mansion with a heavy breath. He felt the need to scream. It wasn't the way he wanted to do this. He truly intended to help Charles, his old friend. It was just when he saw the man, his scars, it made him sorrowful and angry, oh, so furious…

How could he do this to Charles? It was obvious Xavier didn't ever recover after Cuba. Erik took everything from him, sanity included. And in this very moment Erik hated himself so much for it. Earlier he felt sad, because of the way it ended between them, but his mission was so important it masked other costs. Now seeing Charles made his heart break more and more every second. Erik destroyed every chance of happiness for Charles, created the man he was today, in this terrible pain Erik could see on Charles's face.

If this didn't make Erik the most awful person in the world, Erik didn't know what else could… He ruined the only person he cared about since his mother died. When he thought about it, both of them were miserable, because of him. Because of how cruel or incompetent he was.

Disappearing again would be easy. Running away seemed like the only thing he could do correctly and it was just a pathetic result of emotions overwhelming his actions.

But it wasn't as simple as it would usually be. This time Raven ran just after him, grabbing his arm the moment she managed to catch up with him. She was really strong and fast, which made her one of the greatest warriors Erik has ever seen. Though it was still admirable that she got hold of him so quickly, when he was running blind as fast as he possibly could just to get away from Charles, he couldn't hurt him again…

 _Gott, I'm so stupid, I threatened him, of course I hurt him,_ Erik thought. _He hates me, that's what he said. I mean nothing to him now. I don't_ _even_ _deserve to be here…_

He broke away.

“Leave me alone, Mystique! It was your stupid idea to bring me here!”

“You weren't meant to attack him, you moron!” She shouted right back at him.

Erik glared at her.

“I'm not a therapist. I'm a murderer! And Charles is delicate like a porcelain doll, he'll break if I touch him,” he mumbled angrily.

“He's already broken!”

“And it's my fault!”

“Then make it better!”

“I can't!” Erik cried out.

It was so unfair. Erik didn't care for many people in his life. There was his mother, many years ago. And then there was Charles alongside with a group of mutants. Many of them already died, leaving Erik, Charles, Hank and Raven as the only ones left. But somehow Charles always was something more, no matter how hard Erik wanted to deny it. They spent time together, talked, even though some of their conversations weren't verbal, but it was one of the joy's of being friends with a telepath. Charles knew everything about Erik and accepted it, accepted him.

Because he knew Erik was struggling his whole life with acceptance, understanding of peace or many emotions other than anger. Charles knew it all, including what happened to Erik during his childhood, and he wanted to make it better, wanted to teach Erik how to let go and be happy. Of course Erik never let him. Instead he showed Charles how to be sad and lonely.

“It's all right, Erik,” Raven whispered to him.

No, it wasn't. Erik didn't need empty words to calm himself down. Raven should know him well enough not to sugarcoat the situation. However, this time was apparently different, because her expression softened a little. Erik took a deep breath.

“You were supposed to shout at me for hurting Charles, not fucking comfort me.”

“But you're hurt too.”

“Why would you think…”

“I know you love him, Erik!” There was a pause, during which Erik froze. Raven looked at him with a shadow of a bittersweet smile on her face. “Okay? You told me many years ago, don't try to act as if it didn't happen.”

Suddenly Erik was out of breath.

“Bullshit,” he hissed.

“Erik…”

“Is this why you asked me to come here? Because of this delusion?!”

“You don't have to confess anything to him, but you told me after Cuba and you know it. God, you were such a mess back then.”

Erik clenched his fists. He didn't want to bring that back into his life, think about it, accept it in any possible way. Helping Charles was something Erik needed to do no matter what would happen next. He owed that to Charles.

But remembering, how he felt after Cuba, how many feelings were buzzing inside him… It was exactly what made him angry. Seeing Charles and the state he was in, it made all of the emotions come back in the most painful way. He saw the person, who mattered so much to him, and realised it was entirely his fault Charles was in pain.

That's why he attacked Charles. He wasn't mad at him, oh no. He was furious at himself for appearing in Charles's life in the first place. Maybe Charles could understand that and began a new life free of Erik's bad influence.

Obviously Erik couldn't just acknowledge his feelings. He never named it, very rarely thought about it. Charles was dear to his heart and important for many other people. It seemed natural for both humans and mutants to enjoy his company. So why would Erik be any different? It was a simple explanation Erik could trick himself into believing it was true.

But deep in his heart he always knew Charles was something more. Not in the way he could see a friend, fellow mutant. Even a person, who saved his life. Charles was special from the beginning. Erik just wasn't able to let himself believe that, because his feelings towards Charles were wrong.

He knew that if he ever confessed it to Charles and by some miracle, didn't end their friendship then and there, he would have hurt Charles deeply.

Then, after Cuba, he realised he did it anyway. So he started to think about it and it was slowly breaking his heart. Trying to make peace with an idea of never seeing Charles again was killing him. He worked so hard to try and stop wondering, how Charles was doing, what he was thinking about, how he was feeling.

It wasn't surprising his actions didn't work. Erik dreamt about Charles's accident all the time. In these nightmares Charles was telling him it was his fault and how much he hated Lehnsherr. It hurt so bad Erik cried and couldn't stop. He was alone in a dark room. Usually he just sat on the floor and closed his eyes, so nobody could see him, when he was so sad and pathetic.

Raven started coming to comfort him somehow, but they never talked about it. It was the way it worked. Everything was perfect on the outside, but at night she made her way to Erik's room, when she thought Erik wasn't all right.

Sometimes she was forced to change into Charles's body to calm Erik down, because nothing else helped. One night she decided to do it, when Erik was still asleep, struggling in his bed, all the metal objects trembling, his expression full of pain.

“I'm sorry Charles, I'm so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you,” he mumbled.

Raven took a deep breath and grabbed him by his shoulders. She shook him firmly. Erik didn't seem to respond, so she would just repeat the action again until he'd wake up. The men slowly opened his eyes violently.

“Charles?” He whispered, his tone of voice marked with a tiny bit of disbelief.

Raven smiled sadly.

“It's okay, Erik. Go back to sleep.”

“Charles, I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to be by my side,” he said with his voice trembling. “I love you, Charles. Please don't go.”

The girl blinked at him as she moved away slowly. She changed back to her own, blue skin. Erik's expression seemed unreadable for a moment. Then he stood up and looked really close to panic. It certainly wasn't a good thing. Magneto was a great leader, not someone eager to panic, because he confessed his long hidden feelings towards the man, who probably hated him by then.

“You can go, Mystique.”

His voice was completely blank.

“But…”

“I won't repeat myself. Go.”

The subject was dropped. Erik started to work during nights, saving two or three hours for an actual rest. His plans were more and more serious every day, so he didn't have time to sink in self-pity. Doing everything he could to forget about Charles was making him better in the most bitter way possible. Charles would have a happier life without him and Erik… He'd accomplish his mission, help mutants. Nothing else was more important than that.

Until of course everything changed. Erik's plans faded away, undone. President Kennedy was murdered and Erik couldn't by any means stop it from happening. He failed at changing the destination of the bullet one more time.

Other things happened and somehow Erik ended up there again, in the Xavier's mansion, remembering all of the memories he wanted to have buried deep in the parts of his brain nobody could have an access to.

Erik gulped as he realised how scared he was of all these emotions coming back. Maybe Charles couldn't read his mind any more, but Erik was scared he wouldn't be able to control himself around Xavier, which would make the telepath hurt once again. That was the only thing, which Erik managed to get accomplished every time and it made Erik have trouble with breathing steadily.

Raven brought him back to the presence with a cough.

“I remember,” Erik said with a small nod.

After a second of hesitation he decided to sit on the grass. He was too tired to stand still. After all the events, which occurred today, Erik wasn't sure he would be able to look Charles in the eyes. Or maybe he won't even be let inside.

Wordlessly Raven joined him on the ground. But she had to be the one to break the silence. Erik had too many feelings and thoughts to deal with to be bothered with starting another painful topic on his own.

That's why, after a couple of minutes, Raven sighed and asked the most important question.

“So why did you attack him?”

Lehnsherr looked at her with an empty expression.

“I couldn't look at him in this state… And I was angry. At myself. For making him this way.”

“It wasn't only your fault, you know?”

“It was,” Erik argued instantly. But then he only sighed with resignation. “Charles hates me. He told me that back inside the house. Checkmate, Raven, he thinks it was my fault and wants me to leave.”

“Oh, please. He would never hate you. And he's Charles! You're Erik. Fighting before dinner, playing chess in the evening… Isn't that what you do?”

“I wish it would be that simple.”

“Yeah,” she answered with the same sad smile as he saw on her face so many years ago. “Me too.”

  


  


“I can't believe you're letting him step inside Charles's house again after everything he's done!”

“It's my house too and Erik's been forgiven. Calm down, Hank!”

Lehnsherr was once again talked into staying. Raven seemed not to think any less of him, even though she still looked rather angry, because of the previous situation. An hour passed since then, which allowed Hank to get Charles back into his bedroom and make himself a lovely cup of tea, while he was cleaning after Erik and his temper issues.

But Lehnsherr didn't had any more strength left to argue tonight. He felt drained, but he had a feeling that good night's sleep wasn't going to help him with that. After all, he needed to talk to Charles and make things right. Or at least apologise for his actions. He hoped it would calm his nerves and help him start once again with the desire of actually helping Xavier.

When Raven suggested for him to go back to his room, he wasn't complaining. Then he just laid there quietly on the bed. All the metal surrounding him was silent as well, as if it didn't want Erik to touch it nor control it any more. Which was absurd, Erik was aware of that. Metal didn't think.

It was Charles's mutation to read minds, hear thoughts… Or maybe it wasn't after all those years. But it should be. It was Erik, who didn't deserve his mutation. Sometimes he didn't wished for it in the first place. Other times he felt like his life without it wouldn't make sense, but then it seemed like a misplaced gift. Why would it be given to him, if he killed and hurt people? Once he believed it was a destiny. How foolish.

But it was just a genetic mutation, little voice whispered in his head. Charles's voice. Not the true one, but Erik could trick himself into thinking it really was Xavier. He was too exhausted to let himself face the truth any longer.

He was slowly falling asleep, but there was still one thought flashing brightly in his mind. Charles deserved to have his telepathy back and use it without fear. After all, he was a good person, who needed to be happy. Erik would make this happen for Charles, even if it was the last thing he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this chapter we had a flashback and some of Erik's messy feeling, but I promise he'll actually talk with Charles in the next one (or at least it will be the closest to normal conversation they can get at the moment).


	5. Chapter 5

Charles was breathing.

It seemed far too difficult than it should be. He was wide awake. Whatever Hank gave him yesterday – Charles presumed couple of hours have passed, which suggested it was the next day already – made him fall asleep almost instantly after he laid on the bed. It was more like passing out than actually falling asleep though. He didn't want to do it, that much was clear, yet Hank insisted it was the safest option after all the trauma he experienced.

Maybe McCoy just wanted a little peace, Charles wouldn't blame him for it. The pills fulfilled it's purpose, which was increasing the level of dopamine in his system. But after waking up, Xavier began to panic once again. All of it came back twice as strong.

His chest was hurting from all the effort he put into actually continuing to breath, because he felt like if he stopped, something horrible would happen. It shouldn't influence his opinion, since Charles ignored the importance of his life (or lack of it), but now… There were too many people in the mansion. He didn't want to give them the satisfaction. Didn't want to cause them any pain either. It was a complicated process.

The air itself was thick enough, making the room hotter than usual. Or maybe it was just the stress? His bedroom seemed smaller each time he took the glimpse of it. Maybe one time it would disappear and Charles along with it.

Then there was a knock on the door.

Two separate sounds, to be exact. Charles stayed still, terrified of making a move. He listened and waited for any other noises. Hank would just come in. He stopped politely knocking a long time ago. Which made it obvious that the guest was either his sister or…

“Charles?”

Erik Lehnsherr.

“Can I come in?”

_No,_ Charles thought angrily. But he couldn't transmit his thoughts to other people's minds any more. Making a sound on the other hand was something he couldn't bear at the moment. His hands were shaking once again, but he didn't notice it right away. But when he reached towards his blanket, he couldn't take a grip of it in order to put it away.

He was too weak.

And it was too hard to breath.

_Oh_. He had a panic attack. Obviously. He shouldn't even be surprised at this point, but it took him off guard. All of his attention was focused on Erik, who was clearly uncomfortable on the other side of the door.

“Just answer me, however you want. Tell me to walk away. Say _something_.”

But with the panic overwhelming Charles, he suddenly felt like he needed the other man and he despised himself for it. How easy it was to make him obey by fear.

Erik used him. Charles shouldn't allow himself to have any form of contact with the man under any circumstances. Yet there he was, terrified of himself, his surrounding, even Erik fucking Lehnsherr – and his mind tried to convince him that the same Erik Lehnsherr was able to help.

The hell he was.

There was another strong hit on the door and then footsteps, which faded away soon afterwards. Charles was surprised and slightly scared of being by himself during a panic attack. He didn't suspect Erik would give up so easily. Whatever it was Lehnsherr wanted, it couldn't be that important. Or maybe he planned on returning at some point, when Charles would be more suited for the conversation?

Xavier was clueless. Guessing was the only thing he could do at this point.

He didn't know, how much time have passed before there was a light shining in his eyes. He blinked rapidly. There were also strong arms holding him as he didn't realise his whole body was trembling.

“Breathe, Charles.”

It took him a second to recognise the voice. It wasn't Erik, but Raven. Then someone moved on the other side of him.

“He has a panic attack, it's nothing serious.”

Hank. But what were they all doing in his bedroom? Charles closed his eyes and didn't open them, even after Hank stopped fooling around with the flashlight. But he felt like the darkness and emptiness behind his eyelids were slowly absorbing him. He took a grip of somebody's arms, the same ones, which were holding him down earlier.

But the arms were soft and brought him closer. Charles recognised the gesture as his sister trying to sooth him. It could be much more humiliating, but the panic didn't let him mind at this point.

“Open your eyes, Charles.”

He did as she said.

The room wasn't shrinking any more.

He was still saying on his bed, but there was Raven sitting beside him. She watched him closely, while his eyes were wandering around the room. Hank was concerned, but still looking strictly professional, as if he needed to be constantly prepared to reach for the medkit for bandages and medications.

His frame was also quite tense, but Charles realised why after a few seconds. Lehnsherr was in the room as well, standing by the door with an easy access to leave. He was leaning against the door frame, but his eyes weren’t following Charles. Although he kept his gaze at the floor, Xavier felt like he already knew, what Charles thought and did, which was unsettling… How ironic. For once it wasn't him, who knew all about the other person's thoughts and feelings and it made him uneasy.

Erik took a deep breath and brought a hand to his forehead, probably preparing for a headache or just avoiding to look at anyone, at _Charles_ , laying there defenceless and pathetic as Erik pictured him. Was it the truth? Charles's speculations were getting more and more out of hand and he still didn't want to fully believe them.

Raven coughed, but didn't say anything. It seemed to shake off both Charles's and Erik's thoughts.

Lehnsherr took the cue and finally spoke:

“I'm glad to see you're all right.”

It was all he said before disappearing. Raven sighed, shooting Hank with a glare. Charles didn't need his mutation to know, what it meant. _Do something._ _Make sure he's feeling okay_. So McCoy did just that. He instructed Charles to sit up. Xavier did it almost automatically and answered all the questions as well. Then he took more pills.

The stress pills weren't bad, so he didn't have to fake taking them. Charles once knew their name and would still be able to list all the chemicals in them, but he didn't bother. The pills were making his head feel light and it was all that mattered.

Then there were the sleep pills, the ones Hank made Charles take during the previous night. Charles hated them. He didn't enjoy loosing his consciousness, making it possible for nightmares to crawl inside his brain once again. With the sleeping schedule he had normally – or the lack of it, since he spontaneously fell asleep and woke up every once in a while – it was less likely for him to suffer from the dreams. Longer periods of rest and increasing of specific hormones in his body didn't act in his favour.

Of course sometimes he could sleep an hour and suffer from a nightmare just as awful, but… Without the sleeping pills he usually tried to stay awake as long as possible. With them he couldn't.

The depression pills were the worst. It made him feel sick, just looking at them. Along with it's horrible effects there was the way it wasn't supposed to be combined with substances used by Hank in the serum, which is why Charles was meant to be really careful and take these medications separately, waiting at least a couple of hours for one not to neutralise the other or worse.

But he stopped taking these a long time ago. Faking it wasn't actually that hard, Hank didn't question it. Although he used to make Xavier try other pills to figure out, what exactly would help him.

Charles refused to be a lab rat, so Hank didn't push the subject.

But Hank left as fast as he appeared and there was only Raven left alongside Charles. It should make him uncomfortable. He didn't contact Raven in years. Seeing her, when he was in this state… If not uncomfortable, he ought to be ashamed. Something on Raven's face didn't let him. All the memories rushed back. Happy memories of them smiling, dancing, reading to each other… Sad ones as well. They had so much it was hard to be forgotten in the slightest. Charles realised he still trusted her unconditionally.

So he started crying on her shoulder. Raven hugged him tightly. She kept her hands on his back, rubbing them reassuringly in circles. Charles didn't remember the last time he allowed himself to genuinely cry. For so long everything was empty. He didn't know, if he could handle the change. The tears stopped after a while, but Raven was still holding him. It was obvious she wanted to talk to him as well, but she was holding back.

Charles closed his eyes.

“I'm okay,” he said, but he so obviously _wasn't_.

“No, you're not, Charles.”

“But I'm not feeling worse than usual, so why does it matter?”

She pushed him away to look at him with disbelief.

“You matter. You are important to so many people.”

“Doubt it.”

“You are! To me and Hank. To Er…”

Charles clenched his fists.

“Don't you dare mention him!”

“But he cares about you too.”

“He wants to use me again,” Charles said and it wasn't angry any more. It was shallow and empty once again. Xavier stood up and went straight to the bathroom. Before shutting the door, he faced Raven with an exhausted expression. “That's all I am for him. He wants to use me and take everything away from me as he did before. I don't think he would value you saying otherwise. It would ruin his reputation as a manipulative bastard. So I will patiently wait to find out, what he wants from me, but I will not give it to him willingly. You on the other hand are always welcome in the mansion, but I'm afraid you have to leave this room for now. I intent to take a bath.”

The words were cold and seemed emotionless. It left Raven speechless as Charles shut the bathroom door, but she did leave the room later on.

Charles turned on the water and took his clothes off, but all he could do in the bath was sitting still and staring at the wall, contemplating what actually happened with his life over the last few days. In there he was safe. Erik and Raven were far away. Charles was alone with his thoughts and for a second he actually believed he was alone in the whole world too.

It simultaneously filled him with both fear and an oddly sense of peace.

Then he walked out of the bathroom and saw a letter laying on the floor, just under the door. He looked at it wearily, but listened to his instinct to pick it up and check for himself, what it could be. As he started reading, he couldn't stop.

“ _Dear Charles,_

_I understand, why you don’t want to talk to me after all I’ve done to you. To be fair, I shouldn’t hope to receive any other reaction from you.”_

_True,_ Charles thought, considering his options. He still stood by the door with the piece of paper Erik left for him. He could stop reading and rip the letter into pieces. Acting like it was never written wouldn’t be difficult. Erik wasn’t probably expecting any response.

After a second Charles moved towards his bed and sat on it slowly. He chose to keep reading, but it wasn’t curiosity, which influenced his decision. It was a tiny bit of hesitation he saw in the first letter of the word _“hope”_. It was thicker, as if Erik stopped there and rewrote it again, once he decided, what to say.

Charles lost the meaning of hope a long time ago. Somehow the uncertainty in this particular word made him more comfortable.

“ _But I need you to read this letter, if it’s the only way for me to communicate with you._

_Coming to the mansion wasn’t my idea. It was Raven’s. I didn’t contact her for a while, so I was surprised to hear from her, but I couldn’t deny coming here, when she said you are not feeling well. See, there is a lot of history between us, some parts of it good, the other awful, but I still consider you a friend._

_Even if you don’t return the sentiment. Which I guess I am responsible for._

_I fucked up, Charles. I did. That’s probably not, what you wanted to hear. It won’t fix anything either. The way I reacted yesterday… It was wrong and I am sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. Maybe I could explain to you one day, why I did it, but I can’t do it on paper. It seems wrong._

_But then again, nothing seems right after all these days. I wish you would let me inside your room to talk for real. Raven thinks I can help you, but I’m just as lost as you are._

_Erik.”_

Charles kept rereading the letter. He did it twice. Then he took a deep breath and read it again. After some time he started tracing the words with his fingers. Ink was dry, so it didn’t make a difference, but it almost felt as if he could see and feel Erik writing it. Thinking about certain words and phrases, considering all the things he wanted to say.

The fifth time Charles read it was the final one, at least for a while. He wondered if it sounded different than Erik usually was. The sentences looked like they were written by sad and tired person, but truth to be told, Charles didn’t know Erik any more.

Maybe he changed as well. All of them changed within the years. Raven was tougher. Hank was more confident. Erik had the right to be sad. Charles on the other hand, he managed to acquire all the negative traits.

But it didn’t matter, since there was nobody around to tell him it was bad. Hank was concerned, sure, but it didn’t make a difference. Raven appeared with Erik to help him, presumably, if it wasn’t manipulation all along. He wanted to believe Raven, but Erik… It was an entirely different story.

Thought Lehnsherr wrote that he still wanted to be Charles’s friend. How pathetic it was for Charles to almost smile after reading these words for the first time?

But he wanted to write back anyway. He wasn’t ready to talk to Erik yet, but he couldn’t ignore the man either. It wouldn’t be smart and Erik wasn’t about to just walk away, he said so in the letter. Charles didn’t know, whether to be pissed or relieved.

Not so long after that thought he began to write his response.

“ _Erik,_

_I blame you for yesterday’s incident, which is rather obvious. Also, I am not sure, if your words are honest nor I am ready to actually talk to you. But writing seems like a compromise, so here we are._

_Let’s avoid talking about me for a while, though. Tell me, what have you been doing?”_

The latter had several more paragraphs, but it wasn’t anything specific. Charles played it safely. He ignored the topic of Erik helping him and decided to focus on other mutants and the world beyond the mansion. Erik’s life for past few years. That way he could figure out easier, what was the real reason of his arrival.

He could believe that Raven’s intentions were real, but Erik surely wanted to achieve something more by coming there.

And Charles would lie, if he said that he wasn’t at least a little bit curious, how Erik has been doing…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So they're writing letters now, well, they had to start somewhere! I think the next chapter will be mostly letters as well, but I can't say for sure, with this fic I'm improvising while writing, nothing is really planned except for some important plot twists, which I am not going to reveal :D


End file.
